Oxy Moron, Contributor
I was surprised to find the following email in my inbox this week:
Dear friend
Good day and compliments.
I am a female student from the University of Burkina Faso, at Ouagadougou. I am 25 years old. I'd like any person who can be caring, loving and home-oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming, if you can be able to help me in this transaction.
Well, my father died earlier, two months ago and left I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over 16 years before his death. I was a princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not literate enough to know all my father's wealth.
He left the sum of US$12,500,000 in a bank here in Burkina Faso. This money was annually paid into my late father's account from a petroleum development company and an oil company, operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.
I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my knowledge because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.
Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from this bank to your bank account. That is why I felt happy when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money wisely. I am ready to pay 20 per cent of the total amount to you if you help us in this transaction and another 10 per cent interest of annual income to you, for handling this transaction for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over.
If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me please, note that this transaction is 100 per cent risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Miss Rose Princess
THE REPLY
Dear Miss Rose Princess
My name is Mr Princely Thorn, and I am a proud Jamaican. You and I could be relatives. You see, I am a descendant of Africans, who were brought from West Africa (where Burkina Faso is located) as slaves, centuries ago to the West Indies to work in the cane fields of European slave masters. So, I was very happy to have received your email, dated January 12, 2009, soliciting my help to secure the US$12,500,000 that your late father, the king, left for your family. That's a whole heap of money and I would love to help a black sister out.
I must say how blessed I really am for you to disregard the 13,200,000 people in your country and the 2.6 million in mine, and chose me to handle your father's money. I, too, would love to know more about you, and desire a solid foundation with you, as long as it is not as Solid as a Rock. I am loving and kind, but you must be prepared to suffer for love. Though I am not violent in nature, a little spanking from time to time will help to bolster the relationship. It's a black thing, as you know.
Like yours, my father is dead. But unlike yours, he was no king. He was a notorious, cold-blooded gunman, who robbed and killed the rich to feed the poor people of Spanish Town's ghettoes. When he died in prison years ago, he did not leave a cent, only a vibrating cellphone (with no credit on it). Can you imagine how embarrassing it was for us, his hungry-belly pickneys, some who are 'jackets' and some who actually carry his DNA?
Though my English is perfect (thanks to Prime Time Crime and Crime Watch, two of our local TV news programmes), I didn't go to any university as you are. But I am no fool. I am a 'ginnal' myself and nobody can 'samfie' me. I was not born behind cow. So the two of us are in the same boat, trying to catch the same big fish. Yet, the irony of ironies is that Burkina Faso, where you live, means "the land of upright people".
Now, my account number is 666 at the John Crow Mountain Development Bank. And, if you want to give me a call, you may phone Operation Kingfish at 811. They will get in touch with me. Please hurry, because white scale has taken over my lips, for it is a long time that I have eaten a food.
And, since I want to know whom I am doing business with, could you attach a photograph of yourself when you reply? You must be a beautiful woman, Miss Rose Princess. I myself might be prickly, but I am very good-looking, despite the scar that runs from one ear to the corner of my mouth. Hello!
Truly Yours
Princely Thorn
oxydmoron@gmail.com