After 10 years with his spouse, he thought all was well until the first baby came along. Just under two years later, a second child was born and a crack began to appear in the otherwise silky-smooth relationship.

The birth of the children was to determine the outcome of his relationship.

Nathan Spencesays that life with his girlfriend since high school changed when she gave birth to their first child. Things they used to do were halted and places they used to go they did not venture anymore because the first-time mother had devoted most of her attention to the baby. According to Spence, when the first child was born, things were 'up and down' because, with constant complaints, his spouse made some adjustments.

However, with the birth of their second child, everything went downhill as the mother always had an excuse to not go out. The fact that he did not live with her further complicated the situation, he said. Spence said he would visit weekly because of the constraints of his job, but this did not guarantee any time with his spouse.

"Before we started to have kids, I used to matter, so now that I have kids, I don't think it should change," he argued, adding that he felt he was robbed of the time and attention he used to get.

He said he got frustrated and turned to another woman to share his time with. This, however, cost him his relationship.

With all that has happened, Spence said there are things that he could have done differently. And he still loves his children and their mother.

'Not in the mood'

Terique Traceyhas encountered similar problems. A chef by profession, Tracey was with his girlfriend for two years before their first child was born. Before their daughter was born, he used to get a lot of attention but that changed when the baby came into their lives. Tracey and his girlfriend lived in different parishes and mostly communicated by phone. He said that at one point his girlfriend stopped calling him and refused to participate in the recreational activities they once shared, as most of the time she was "not in the mood". Tracey told The Gleaner that he felt jealous of the attention that the baby was getting, but he understood that she needed it.

"Mi have friends, so mi hear dem talk before, say mi might feel a way," he said while explaining that in order to not feel left out he would join in and play with the baby and her mother.

Not every father, however, experiences this feeling of jealousy when a baby comes into the picture. Terrence Myers has been married since 2005 but has been with his wife for over five years. The relationship between them remains strong even with their first child who is nine months old. He attributes this to his wife's ability to balance her time and the counselling they both received before having their child.

"Not everybody is ready for parenting," said Myers, adding that it is "a compromising thing". While admitting that some things have changed, he said that he does not feel robbed, but is sharing his wife's love with their child. He said sometimes he feels uncomfortable, but his love for the child "kinda tek away the feeling".

Prepare for baby

Clinical psychologist Dr Michele Lewin says that the couple should be mentally and physically prepared for an addition to the family because attention will have to be diverted from the male figure to the child. They need to discuss having a child before doing so. Dr Lewin recommended that parents spend quality time together. "Find time for each other, even one hour to talk about other things apart from the baby," she said.

She said that mothers are naturally drawn to their babies because of maternal instincts, however, fathers have to work to form this bond. Additionally, mothers have to breastfeed and fathers "get jealous of this because the baby is robbing them of his sexual organ".

She adds, "It's not a sexual organ for this being, but a means where the baby is fed."

She said that some men are not so participative in parenting, but it was important for them, in the first few weeks, to form a bond with the new-born child. As such, she believes it is essential for men to get paternity leave.

Whatever the spiritual calling, parents should make time for that to cushion the strain of the extra input on the family. "Whatever spiritual orientation, you will need to do this more together at this time," Dr Lewin advised.

The clinical psychologist says that jealousy is a natural human response and, most times, people get jealous because they do not understand what is happening. "If males can understand, it will help to remove the element of jealousy," says Dr Lewin. Some of the unknown will be removed, she added, if fathers participate in prenatal care. This will assist him in making adjustments.

Names changed upon request.