Have you ever had that uneasy feeling of guilt every time you would think of having an affair with a certain person? You really like them and they seem to be your soulmate, but, while it may feel right, it also feels wrong to date and ultimately form a relationship. This is due to the drama and embarrassment it could potentially cause if it is publicised.

Many times, these relationships are considered 'off-limit relationships'. There are some rules that are unwritten but somehow humans, break them. There is the unwritten rule of not dating your best friend's or any other friend's ex partner. But, unfortunately, this just doesn't always pan out.

Mutually understood

This is a total no-no for 25-year-old Kim Barnes who says there are some things that should be mutually understood without being verbalised. "I would never date the ex-boyfriend of any of my friends. That is just wrong and I would never forgive a friend who would do that to me. I just couldn't be friends with her anymore. I would most definitely feel betrayed by her and maybe by him too, but you know how men are," she said passionately.

However, Shanelle Facey, says she sees no problem with someone dating the ex-lover of a friend as long as it is a genuine relationship between the two. "If there is a connection between the two of us and I know he is for real, then I would probably pursue it. I mean, I love my friends dearly, but what if the man turns out to be really sweet to me and could potentially be my soulmate and husband?"

She admits breaking it to her friend would be hard. "I would have to build the courage to tell her because I know it would probably feel awkward for her to see me with her ex and I might feel weird too, but what to do? I love my friends and I love myself too, so at the end of the day it is about what or who is best for me. If you follow people you don't do a thing. Time heals and if she is that hurt, she will eventually get over it".

Despite being so bold in her thoughts and opinions, Facey says she would have some reservations and guilt in the early part of the relationship.

When asked what she would do if she had to choose between a friendship and a relationship, she says, "Guys come and go but true friendships are here to stay and if that friendship was true in the beginning, even if there is an initial 'falling out', I could see us moving past it. A true friend would accept it because she would want to see me happy. And if the relationship with the guy doesn't work out, I should still have her friendship. Every friendship is about compromising."

Get over it

She notes though that if she faces a similar situation, while it would be hard she would just have to accept it. "I am not saying it would be easy to digest, but I would have to find a way to get over it and still be friends with her but I am not naive, there will definitely be some level of hurt and uneasiness at first," notes Facey.

Check out part two next week for a counsellor's view on off-limit relationships and how to approach them. And if you have ever been involved in an 'off-limit' relationship, tell us about it at: lifestyle@gleanerjm.com.

Names changed on request.

latoya.grindley@gleanerjm.com

Off-limit relationships

As with not dating your friend's ex, here are other relationships that are off limits.

1. Dating your parent's ex: A total no no. This could potentially break down your relationship with them. Parents give their blessings and consent to their children's relationships and you definitely will not get it if you break the 'code'.

2. A married man: Many Jamaicans would say, "Bad blessings will follow yuh". He is married and that alone should be enough to say he is off limits.

3. A stripper/go-go dancer: If you are comfortable with your lady dancing half naked on stage, then this rule is not for you. But if you know deep down inside that you won't be, then don't even bother. You met her that way so don't think you can change her.